me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
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The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.