older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”