When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When they try to steal your moment.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane