What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me