Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner