[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
So that’s what we looked like?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.