I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
You Might Also Like
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
How I like cutting carbs
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.