Trumpy Cat
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
they really do be looking like this
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel