The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…