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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
When you’re Kinky but poor
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Pikachu found the lost joint
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.