When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.