Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”