Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
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Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC