went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
How is it still this week?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed