*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
birds and squirrels envy us
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
August 8
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.