Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope