Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
when someone compliments me
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish