Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”