[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Said the murderer.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.