*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Good morning.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Found the job I’m suited for
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare