Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Sponch
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
When your man makes a valid point
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Breaking news:
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.