My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
That’s classic.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars