Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.