Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.