Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
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If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Need WebMD
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.