mom gave me mine for free
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all