GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Worst Native American name ever.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.