Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
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Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”