Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.