“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Breaking news:
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
the three branches of government
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.