It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.