*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me too 😆
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”