[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*