Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
File under excellent bookstore names.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.