If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
God has left this place
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.