[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal