Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.