(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE