“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Childbirth is so beautiful
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*