“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Lmbo
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳