I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
this country is so goddamn polarized
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.