Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”