My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.