馃敠馃寵馃懀
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Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I鈥檓 not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[speed dating]
date: what鈥檚 your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i鈥檓 not a big fan
me: next
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don鈥檛 even know who this kid is anymore.
your honor my client chooses dare
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
what鈥檚 the point then??
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me too 馃槅
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she鈥檒l be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I鈥檓 gonna enjoy pretending I鈥檓 on the fence until then.