*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey