[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.