I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
it’s the silliest best thing
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
me logging onto twitter
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem: