I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My current situation
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*