the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
You Might Also Like
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄