#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
These dogs look like they have good credit.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.